At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
