There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
