You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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