dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
