I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
