I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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