the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
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