i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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