Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
