Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
