I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
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