First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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