Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
