I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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