Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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