drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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