if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
