he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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