you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
