So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I have fence marks all over my body
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize