I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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