i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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