your thong is hanging out like whoa
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
