highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Drunk is a universal language darling
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
