i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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