I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
