What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
