u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
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