I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize