apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
