"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
