I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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