Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
