Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
