I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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