I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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