I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize