There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
