i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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