I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
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