I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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