dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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