i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
