my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
