fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
