Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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