how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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