I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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