and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
