Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
