no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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