God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
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