So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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