there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize