i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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