I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
